Unflappable

Should you order food? Use this simple formula to decide

M = Amount of money in wallet 

D = Number of dirty dishes in the sink 

F = Amount of food in refrigerator (pounds)

Desire to get take-out = (M x D) / F

(Warning: if F is zero, the formula explodes. Also, just because you have the desire, doesn’t mean you have the money.)

Forgiveness

I admit it. I still haven’t taken that Don Henley album to the used CD store.

Why can’t I bring myself to sell it? I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter. But my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter.

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Santa Claus is real!

Last week, Californians voted by a slim majority to eliminate the rights of gays to marry. Television advertisements implied that unless the right was taken away, children would be taught about homosexuality in schools. What other laws can we pass based on parent’s fear of informing children about complex subjects?

• Declare all movies illegal that depict Santa Claus as not real.
• Force all parents to sleep in separate twin beds. 
• Veterinarians must tell children that their beloved pet dog went to retire at a giant farm (where they chase birds all day), not cremated.
• Speaking of farms, all children must be told that cows, pigs, and chickens live happy lives in wide open spaces and the animals are so proud that when they die they get to provide nourishment to humans. Milk-giving cows get to retire when they are too old to give milk. Also, once leather is made from cow skin, their skin grows back.
• No one can deny the earth is only 6,000 years old, because the Bible says so, and it also says we go to Heaven, so we have to make sure every bit of the Bible is taken seriously so children feel comfortable about death.

How Obama chooses gum

“Look, we could go with the gum with the cartoon character on the package, which is visually appealing and reminds me of my childhood, but fact of the matter is, the flavor doesn’t last too long. And that’s not what America is all about. America likes its flavor to last a long time.

“I believe the best solution is to choose the gum with the modern, slick packaging. The flavor will last longer, and it truly represents the best America has to offer.”