February 2009
22 posts
I'm no longer dependent on coffee!
In a completely unrelated news story, I’m now dependent on tea.
You know you're a bachelor when...
You rearrange your refrigerator to make more room for your mustard packets.
Could I borrow your time machine please
You will not believe what my Past Self did. He left empty ice trays in the freezer. Empty!
Could I borrow your time machine? I’d like to go back in time and punch him in the face.
Things I've said that I'm man enough to admit was...
#47: “You Can Never Have Too Many Olives,” proven when I made a Mediterranean dish with approximately 50% olives by weight.
Perception vs. Reality (2)
Item: Perrier
Perception: Natural. Classy.
Reality: Water and gas captured separately in France, carbonated during bottling, and shipped 10,000 miles so you can have French bubbles up your nose instead of those trashy American bubbles.
Perception vs. Reality
Item: Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars
Perception: Counter-culture, indie culture, rebellion.
Reality: Owned by mega-corporation Nike, manufactured for pennies an hour in Indonesia to maximize profit for shareholders.
Wait a second… tell me again what we’re rebelling against?
Dangers of being a nerd
#37: Lack of regular sunlight, i.e. vitamin D, can cause pain due to osteomalacia, i.e. soft bones. That’s why nerds scream so loudly when you punch them in the face. Try it some time, you’ll see.
Urinating
Is so detoxifying.
If the world ran on LOVE
Why should the world run on money and power? What if the world ran on LOVE?
Your paycheck would be replaced with regular warm feelings in the pit of your stomach.
Instead of jail, criminals would be punished with NO HUGS.
Polygamists would be “rich”, isolated weirdos “poor”.
We’d eat animals because we LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
Jack, the socially phobic thrill seeker
People who are socially phobic really have it made. To get their heart racing and adrenaline pumping, they don’t have to ride roller coasters, go bungie jumping, race cars, or chase tigers. They just have to walk into a room full of people.
Jack: “Oh fuck, a party! This is so fucking insane!”
Jack’s friend: “Jack, you’re sweating.”
Jack: “Shit,...
News from year 2029
Game developers invent new way to pretend to kill people.
Atkin’s diet officially labeled an eating disorder.
Innerspace 2 coming this summer.
Chicken Sandwich
If you don’t eat chickens, the chickens will eat you. Show your manliness and order a chicken sandwich. That’ll show ‘em who’s boss. Yeah.
Yoga
Yoga class is where you pay someone $20 to tell you to sit quietly and breathe. Because you can’t sit quietly and breathe on your own - you need someone to tell you how to do it.
Dangers of being a nerd
#25: Sitting all day at a computer can give you a cyst on your ass. I bet Indiana Jones never had to deal with that. Nerds are so living on the edge.
Smoking, part V
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Let me guess. One day I'll accidently fall asleep with a lit cigarette in my hand, catch my chair on fire, give myself third degree burns or worse, burn down my house, and burn down the entire neighborhood block in the process. Is that what you were going to say?
Jon: No, I wasn't going to say that! Gosh! Well, actually, yes.
Smoking, part IV
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Yes I should. I think you should too. Why don't you?
Jon: I'm afraid you're suffering from R.A.P.
Sam: I most certainly am not suffering from... what is it that you said?
Jon: R.A.P. - Reduced Athletic Performance. We just walked up a 1% incline and you ran out of breath halfway through.
Sam: Oh, you mean Devil's Sidewalk next to the preschool? That mountain is a bitch, man.
Jon: Dude, it's just a normal city block. Plus you took a cigarette break at the end.
Sam: You would have taken a cigarette break too, if you smoked. Why don't you?
Smoking, part III
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Because you hate the smell, right?
Jon: It costs $100 a month and you're fucking broke.
Sam: Oh.
Jon: Seriously. There's a recession. You can't survive on ramen and cigarettes.
Sam: But I own stock in Philip Morris! Every time I buy a pack, I'm contributing to the profit margin. Which means more dividends for me.
Jon: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
Smoking, part II
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: It will make my lungs turn black, right?
Jon: It makes you smell bad.
Sam: Oh.
Jon: Seriously. Your clothes, your breath, everything. Stinky.
Sam: Well, now that we're on the subject, you smell like ass.
Jon: What?
Sam: Seriously, try to stay off the cauliflower for a couple days.
Smoking
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Right.
Jon: It will turn your lungs black.
Sam: What color are my lungs now?
Jon: I... errr... Well, I don't know.
Sam: I'll tell you what color healthy lungs are: they're also black. You know why? Because there's no fucking light inside our fucking bodies, therefore everything inside is black!
This just in
U.S. destroys opium crops in Afghanistan, terrorists respond by threatening to destroy U.S. cheese supply.
Classified ad
Looking for A++ thief. Good starting percentage. Police, please don’t read this.
Gossip news alert
1,000th woman falls for man who plays acoustic guitar to get chicks.
Breaking news
Zygotes given full citizenship rights, blastocysts cry foul.
January 2009
31 posts
Headline
Bachelor saying “Pumpernickel? I hardly know her!” everyday for lifetime of bread loaf.
From the news wire
Former Dungeon Master denies he was a nerd in high school.
Ticker News Alert
Blogger invents new kind of run-on sentence, scientists baffled.
How to tell if the bad guy is going to win (at...
If they look like all the others, and they move very fast, they are going to lose.
If they look unique, and move slowly into the scene, they are going to win.
I'm bad at shopping
My wallet is out, and I’m waving it around, trying to give someone money. You know, for the economy! But:
The restaurant doesn’t sell lunch during breakfast hours. How many places can you put scrambled eggs in, on, and around a burrito, anyway?
Neither the video store nor iTunes has that one zombie movie. But Torrent does!
Space tourism for under $500 still doesn’t exist.
Why meat is not manly
Because eating meat clogs up your dick.
Why I'm not on Twitter
I don’t need no god damn website reminding me that my life is boring and I have no friends.
So there!
Flatulence
I can feel it.
How to get into Heaven
#12: Do anything you want, as long as you accept Jesus. That’s right, you can rape, pillage, call your mom a cocksucker, steal from homeless orphans, eat BBQ’ed dogs and cats for lunch and lie on college entrance exams. Just accept Jesus into your heart and you’ll get a free pass straight to a seat next to the Big Guy.
Things not to talk about on a date
Your uncommon food allergies (and the reaction!)
Your addiction to new floss technology. That’s right, dental floss.
Snide comments about relatives. (“I like your short nails. I hate long nails… because of my mother.”)
Roofies jokes.
Giving you what you want
Boardroom meeting notes. Boys like:
Robots
Projectiles
Swords
Dinosaurs
Alien beasts
Fire
Time traveling
Super powers
Dystopia
“Time-traveling sword-welding robots, with the help of their pet dinosaurs, fight to protect the city from fire-spitting alien beasts who are preparing the country for a dark, dystopian future.”
Music and dating
194: The number of sub-genres of Rock n’ Roll (according to Wikipedia).
4: The number of sub-genres of Rock n’ Roll that you must listen to (and only listen to) in order to date that girl from Craigslist.
How to get into Heaven
#63: Exploit as many resources as possible. It’s all ours for the taking, so we must show thanks… by taking! Beast of burden? Check. (If God didn’t want us to use it, he wouldn’t have given it four legs and a strong back.) Minerals from a neighboring country? Check. (If God didn’t want us to use it, he wouldn’t have buried it in the ground.)
How to get into Heaven
#937: Mispronounce curse words. ”What the heck,” “Oh my fork ‘n’ gourd” and “Gosh darn mother tootin’ rooster kissin’ sons-of-britches” will all guarantee a positive nod from the Big Guy.
Obama Saves Jobs
Obama: Look, Jobs, you've got to return to Apple.
Steve Jobs: I must... rest.
Obama: But... Steve?
Steve Jobs: Cancer.... returning... as we speak! Ack!
Obama: Oh my god! Nurse, help! Dammit Jobs, American needs that new iPod! Breathe!
Steve Jobs: Uhhhhhlllllll.... I can see... the light...
Obama: The light? Is it heaven?
Steve Jobs: No, it's more like a spinning beach ball.
Obama: Not the spinning beach ball of death! Breathe, dammit!
Steve Jobs: Ack! I don't need CPR! I'll be fine. Just bring me some broccoli sprouts or some quinoa.
Obama: Damn, and people gave me a hard time eating arugula.
Problem solving (for cats)
Observe object
Claw it
Watch reaction
For example:
Look at the water bowl
Claw it
Watch it tip over and spill everywhere
Example 2:
Notice cat toys are kept in a drawer
Claw at the drawer repeatedly until your claw hooks onto a knob or something
Watch the magical drawer of catnip wonders appear before your evil little slit-like irises.
Lois Lane is always getting into accidents
And she probably doesn’t even have insurance.
Personals Translation
“What they say” -> “What they mean”
“I’m sensitive” -> ”I will complain about a person who cut in front of me in line at grocery store… for several weeks”
“I enjoys quiet evenings at home” -> ”I’m boring and can’t keep up a conversation”
“I’m a good cook” -> “I...
Infinite Loop
Hey, it’s raining! I’ll just leave the computer, open the window a bit and enjoy it. Ah, this is nice. Boy, it’s been raining a lot lately, I wonder what the average rainfall for my area is at this time of year. I’ll just check the internet real quick. Hey, it’s raining!
Trader Joe's
Mike: So, I keep hearing about how awesome you are.
Trader Joe: That's right! Everyone loves me, and I offer fantastic prices.
Mike: Great, great. How much for a tomato?
Trader Joe: Four tomatoes, that'll be--
Mike: --No, no, I just need one.
Trader Joe: I only sell them in packs of four. Four for the price of three!
Mike: But I only need one.
Trader Joe: Surely you can find use for four tomatoes!
Mike: Maybe two... but the other two will go bad before I get a chance to use them. So that's two tomatoes for the price of three.
Trader Joe: I -- well, um...
Mike: That's a waste, don't you think?
Trader Joe: You love Trader Joe's.... Jedi mind trick....
Mike: What? Dude, you're not supposed to actually say "Jedi mind trick". Look, how about I just buy something else. Do you have any --
Trader Joe: --We have wine and crackers.
Mike: Let me guess, I have to buy four bottles of wine.
Trader Joe: Actually we sell single bottles for $2.
Mike: What the fuck?
Trader Joe: You love Trader Joe's!
Mike: I love Trader Joe's!
What I learned today
There is a very, very big difference between furkids and furries, and getting them mixed up can lead to an awkward conversation.
Pre-Threat
n.
An indication that a threat may coming in a future time.
“If your report is not on my desk Monday, the lawyers are calling you on Tuesday!”
Learning From Relationships
We had a lot in common, and we had some good times. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, relationships simply do not work out.
However, over the course of a failed relationship, if you’re lucky you might learn something. You might learn something new about yourself. You might learn something about how relationships work. You might even learn something about love.
In this particular...
Vice Party
There are the typical holidays with the typical vices: New Year’s (alcohol), Birthdays (cake), Christmas (gizmos from China). And then there’s the underground hush-hush vice parties, like orgies or coke parties. But why limit yourself? There are so many other vices to explore!
Pride party: sit around and talk about how awesome you are. Especially brag about how you won that jungle-gym...