December 2008
31 posts
If Seinfeld was still on TV
Elaine flirts with businessman to get a wireless password for her laptop.
Kramer makes back-alley deals to mod his Wii.
Jerry breaks up with woman because she is obsessed with Obama.
George gets involved in pyramid scheme, causes economic meltdown.
Why I pick up the phone when you call
One of two possibilities:
You’re a friend or family member, or
I’m assuming I can navigate a conversation with you faster than I can navigate the voice-mail to delete your message.
Seriously, People
Black Text + Black Drop Shadow = Blurry Text
This isn’t a joke, people.
Identity Thieves
Sam: So, I got my identity stolen.
Jon: Whoa! You mean your Social Security number and credit history?
Sam: No, I mean, everything that identifies me as a person. I'm no longer addicted to alcohol, enjoy my job, want to listen to Conor Oberst or interested in Lord of the Rings.
Jon: Holy shit!
Sam: I don't even know who I am anymore. What am I if not the sum of my addictions and desires?
Jon: Do you think they'll catch the guy?
Sam: I hope so. Always being bored and sober is a terrible identity to have.
Jon: You know, in the ancient past our identity was our family or tribe. You were who you hung out with.
Sam: That sounds better that identity being your job, your failings, or your favorite hobbies. Wanna hang out?
Think you're leaving, huh?
YULE BE BACK!
Speaking of music you can't relate to
Thanks Sasha and Malia. Because of you, I now know what a Jonas Brother is.
Songs about technology
Sam: It sure is strange to hear these modern rock bands singing about instant messaging.
Jon: Yeah. I guess IM is second nature to them, like the phone is to us.
Sam: I bet our grandparents thought it was weird to hear the first pop songs to mention the telephone.
1900 years earlier...
Sam: What's this new song about writing love notes? Paper was only invented like 3 years ago!
Jon: It's so strange. Kids these days, singing about the latest technology like it's second nature.
Sam: I wonder what it was like for our ancestors who invented agriculture. 'Cause right now all our songs are about farming, which makes sense to us.
Mind vs. Random Thoughts
Mind: This is it - I am completely focused on my work. I love these moments. I lose sense of self, absorbed in "flow" or "the zone". My productivity soars. My only enemies are those random thoughts that occasionally pop into my head.
Random Thought: American Football.
Mind: Oh my God, why do people like football? Running a ball back and forth. So much effort in an attempt to "win". Is our culture obsessed with winning? Does that represent a kind of childish nature within us? Or is it all in good fun? And what about those people who watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials - are they complete tools or what?
Random Thought: I wonder what time it is.
Mind: Holy shit, what the fuck have I been doing for the past two hours?
So, you want to be a country music star?
Let’s just put it out front: country music is not about beer and women.
Country music is about singing what’s in your heart. Expressing the emotional depths of your mind.
But it works best if your heart and mind are preoccupied with beer and women.
Dear Targeted Advertising,
Thanks for no longer offering me free iPods. I really didn’t want them anyway. Instead, I appreciate you telling me I’m fat, bald, divorced, old and/or tragically ugly. Thanks for reminding me that I’m addicted to habits that will send me to an early grave. And thanks for implying that happiness can only be achieved through purchase of life insurance, prescription medications, or...
The Google Chip
Sam: Man, remember when we actually had to memorize phone numbers? I don't know anyone's number anymore.
Jon: I know, right? Kids these days are growing up without ever memorizing a phone number. I couldn't even tell you my own number, because I never call it.
~ 100 years later ~
Sam: Man, remember when we actually had to memorize the path from the living room to the kitchen? I don't know how to get anywhere anymore.
Jon: I know, right? I don't know how I'd get around without the Google Chip embedded in my brain. Which reminds me - hey, Google, I need to go to the bathroom.
Google: Stand up, turn left, and walk seven steps. You will see a doorway.
Jon: Okay.
Google: Enter the door, turn right. You'll find the toilet in front of you.
Jon: Thanks, Google.
What's the current temperature?
Modern day: Your mobile device transmits encoded data (typically HTTP) via ultra high frequency radio waves to the nearest cell-tower, which then forwards the data to central computer. The central computer contains up-to-date temperature information for thousands - if not millions - of cities around the world. The central computer returns encoded data containing the temperature of the city you...
There's a very good reason why I have two open...
Bag #1: Solid pieces. For dipping.
Bag #2: Mostly crumbs. This is for soups and salads. (What, is that weird?)
Ways to interpret the Creation Museum in...
The Truth
Bullshit
A museum exhibiting the enormous lengths people go through to reaffirm their own personal beliefs.
First Date: How to ask her out
What you meant to say: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
What came out of your mouth: Oh my God, do you like PUPPIES?
Translations: First Date
What they say: Want some gum?
What they mean: Could you chew on this to neutralize your breath? Because I plan on putting my tongue in your mouth later.
The first cow milk, part III
Fug: Where have you been?
Og: I just had the strangest experience.
Fug: Well, duh. You just fed straight from the cow teat out of desperation.
Og: Right. And I got this... thing... as a reward.
Fug: A golden calf? What the hell? Where did you get this?
Og: I know, it doesn't make any sense. I'm starving the death, and this guy shows up to give me a trophy? He should have given me a sandwich.
Things in my bathroom that express my lack of...
An actual hand towel.
The toilet seat is down. Down, dammit.
Moisturizer because OMG DRY SKIN.
Proof that I own a cat (instead of mean, tough, status-symbol dog)
Expired condoms.
Things in my bathroom that express my masculinity:
Lava Soap
Shower curtain doesn’t match the bath mat, which doesn’t match the floor tile, which doesn’t match the trash can, which doesn’t match the towel.
That… smell. What is that smell?
The one space between the cabinet and the wall that is a safe haven for dust balls.
Gold Bond.
The first cow milk, part II
*Z-z-z-zap!*
Og: What the-? Who are you?
Gorlon 3000: I am Gorlon 3000, and I have travelled through time and space to speak to you, the first human to drink cow milk.
Og: Me?
Gorlon 3000: Yes, you. Congratulations, you have started a trend.
Og: A trend?
Gorlon 3000: Humans began to eat cow milk regularly, and then later on coagulated cow milk, also known as cheese. Cow milk, cheese, or some other variant is now found in every food available for human consumption.
Og: Everywhere?
Gorlon 3000: Yes. In our modern time, it is impossible to buy food without cow milk in it. We wrap our fruits and vegetables in cheese. We cover our grains with milk. We put cheese in a can that has a nozzle shaped like a human nipple. And don't even get me started on pizza, which has cheese in, on, and around it.
Og: Dude. I didn't mean for this to become a trend. I was just really hungry. About to starve to death. There was nothing else around. It's kinda gross, actually.
Gorlon 3000: Irrelevant. For your reward in started this trend, you present you with a golden calf.
Og: What the hell?
Gorlon 3000: Congratulations. By the way, if some dude named Moses comes around, you might want to hide this thing.
The first cow milk, 10,000 years ago
Og: Oh my starlight, I'm starving.
Fug: Me too.
Og: Are there any berries and twigs left over?
Fug: Nah, we finished them off at breakfast.
Og: Ugh.
Fug: What are we going to do?
Og: You know, Bessie the cow is lactating.
Fug: Dude.
Og: I'm hungry.
Fug: Dude, don't.
Og: I'm going for it. I'm fucking going for it.
Fug: That is disgusting.
Og: Do you want some of this cow teat or not?
Fug: Good god, no. You're not really going to eat that are you?
Og: I'm just going to close my eyes and go for it.
Fug: Well I hope you're not lactose intolerant.
Og: What the fuck is lactose intolerance?
Which bad habit will kill you first?
Replacing all fruits and vegetables with french fries.
Coffee on an empty stomach leaves a gaping hole where your intestines used to be.
Inability to stop tapping out drum beats, even when stalking tigers.
Tight friendship with your troublemaking friend, Jack Daniels.
Extreme Scrabble.
What's clogging the kitchen sink?
Coffee grounds.
Oil Shale.
Remember those uncooked lentils you threw in there? They sprouted.
The souls of the underworld.
Numbers
Number of CDs my mom owns: 3
Number of CDs my mom owns that are Christmas albums: 3
Number of times the CD player is programmed to play them: ∞
Yet more holiday stories
Egg nog, candy canes cure cancer.
Buried in page 12, paragraph 10: statistics on the number of people who died from the pollution produced from making goods in China.
Pope says Christmas is too commercialized, brushes lint off his robe made out of gold, then says everyone should buy a nativity scene to display in their house.
Buried in page 13, paragraph 4: the Pope owns stock in companies...
Want the box your new Mac came in to last forever?
Someone should invent Cardboard Preservative. Seriously.
Express yourself with consumer purchases
“Friends think of me as the Apple Guy. If I don’t buy the new iPhone, I might lose my identity. I’ll lose everything that represents me as a person.”
“I loved that TV show as a child. That’s who I am. If I don’t buy the DVD set, I might lose my identity. I’ll lose everything that represents me as a person.”
“What kind of car can I buy...
Proof that I'm the Procrastination King:
I haven’t made my crown yet.