February 2009
23 posts
I'm no longer dependent on coffee!
In a completely unrelated news story, I’m now dependent on tea.
You know you're a bachelor when...
You rearrange your refrigerator to make more room for your mustard packets.
Could I borrow your time machine please
You will not believe what my Past Self did. He left empty ice trays in the freezer. Empty!
Could I borrow your time machine? I’d like to go back in time and punch him in the face.
Things I've said that I'm man enough to admit was...
#47: “You Can Never Have Too Many Olives,” proven when I made a Mediterranean dish with approximately 50% olives by weight.
Perception vs. Reality (2)
Item: Perrier
Perception: Natural. Classy.
Reality: Water and gas captured separately in France, carbonated during bottling, and shipped 10,000 miles so you can have French bubbles up your nose instead of those trashy American bubbles.
Perception vs. Reality
Item: Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars
Perception: Counter-culture, indie culture, rebellion.
Reality: Owned by mega-corporation Nike, manufactured for pennies an hour in Indonesia to maximize profit for shareholders.
Wait a second… tell me again what we’re rebelling against?
Dangers of being a nerd
#37: Lack of regular sunlight, i.e. vitamin D, can cause pain due to osteomalacia, i.e. soft bones. That’s why nerds scream so loudly when you punch them in the face. Try it some time, you’ll see.
Urinating
Is so detoxifying.
If the world ran on LOVE
Why should the world run on money and power? What if the world ran on LOVE?
Your paycheck would be replaced with regular warm feelings in the pit of your stomach.
Instead of jail, criminals would be punished with NO HUGS.
Polygamists would be “rich”, isolated weirdos “poor”.
We’d eat animals because we LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
Jack, the socially phobic thrill seeker
People who are socially phobic really have it made. To get their heart racing and adrenaline pumping, they don’t have to ride roller coasters, go bungie jumping, race cars, or chase tigers. They just have to walk into a room full of people.
Jack: “Oh fuck, a party! This is so fucking insane!”
Jack’s friend: “Jack, you’re sweating.”
Jack: “Shit,...
News from year 2029
Game developers invent new way to pretend to kill people.
Atkin’s diet officially labeled an eating disorder.
Innerspace 2 coming this summer.
Chicken Sandwich
If you don’t eat chickens, the chickens will eat you. Show your manliness and order a chicken sandwich. That’ll show ‘em who’s boss. Yeah.
Yoga
Yoga class is where you pay someone $20 to tell you to sit quietly and breathe. Because you can’t sit quietly and breathe on your own - you need someone to tell you how to do it.
Dangers of being a nerd
#25: Sitting all day at a computer can give you a cyst on your ass. I bet Indiana Jones never had to deal with that. Nerds are so living on the edge.
Smoking, part V
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Let me guess. One day I'll accidently fall asleep with a lit cigarette in my hand, catch my chair on fire, give myself third degree burns or worse, burn down my house, and burn down the entire neighborhood block in the process. Is that what you were going to say?
Jon: No, I wasn't going to say that! Gosh! Well, actually, yes.
Smoking, part IV
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Yes I should. I think you should too. Why don't you?
Jon: I'm afraid you're suffering from R.A.P.
Sam: I most certainly am not suffering from... what is it that you said?
Jon: R.A.P. - Reduced Athletic Performance. We just walked up a 1% incline and you ran out of breath halfway through.
Sam: Oh, you mean Devil's Sidewalk next to the preschool? That mountain is a bitch, man.
Jon: Dude, it's just a normal city block. Plus you took a cigarette break at the end.
Sam: You would have taken a cigarette break too, if you smoked. Why don't you?
Smoking, part III
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Because you hate the smell, right?
Jon: It costs $100 a month and you're fucking broke.
Sam: Oh.
Jon: Seriously. There's a recession. You can't survive on ramen and cigarettes.
Sam: But I own stock in Philip Morris! Every time I buy a pack, I'm contributing to the profit margin. Which means more dividends for me.
Jon: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
Smoking, part II
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: It will make my lungs turn black, right?
Jon: It makes you smell bad.
Sam: Oh.
Jon: Seriously. Your clothes, your breath, everything. Stinky.
Sam: Well, now that we're on the subject, you smell like ass.
Jon: What?
Sam: Seriously, try to stay off the cauliflower for a couple days.
Smoking
Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Right.
Jon: It will turn your lungs black.
Sam: What color are my lungs now?
Jon: I... errr... Well, I don't know.
Sam: I'll tell you what color healthy lungs are: they're also black. You know why? Because there's no fucking light inside our fucking bodies, therefore everything inside is black!
This just in
U.S. destroys opium crops in Afghanistan, terrorists respond by threatening to destroy U.S. cheese supply.
Classified ad
Looking for A++ thief. Good starting percentage. Police, please don’t read this.
Gossip news alert
1,000th woman falls for man who plays acoustic guitar to get chicks.
Breaking news
Zygotes given full citizenship rights, blastocysts cry foul.