Unflappable

I'm no longer dependent on coffee!

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

In a completely unrelated news story, I’m now dependent on tea.

You know you're a bachelor when...

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

You rearrange your refrigerator to make more room for your mustard packets.

Could I borrow your time machine please

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

You will not believe what my Past Self did. He left empty ice trays in the freezer. Empty!

Could I borrow your time machine? I’d like to go back in time and punch him in the face.

Things I've said that I'm man enough to admit was wrong

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

#47: “You Can Never Have Too Many Olives,” proven when I made a Mediterranean dish with approximately 50% olives by weight.

Perception vs. Reality (2)

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Item: Perrier

Perception: Natural. Classy.

Reality: Water and gas captured separately in France, carbonated during bottling, and shipped 10,000 miles so you can have French bubbles up your nose instead of those trashy American bubbles.

Perception vs. Reality

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Item: Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars

Perception: Counter-culture, indie culture, rebellion.

Reality: Owned by mega-corporation Nike, manufactured for pennies an hour in Indonesia to maximize profit for shareholders.

Wait a second… tell me again what we’re rebelling against?

Dangers of being a nerd

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

#37: Lack of regular sunlight, i.e. vitamin D, can cause pain due to osteomalacia, i.e. soft bones. That’s why nerds scream so loudly when you punch them in the face. Try it some time, you’ll see.

Urinating

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Is so detoxifying.

If the world ran on LOVE

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Why should the world run on money and power? What if the world ran on LOVE?

Your paycheck would be replaced with regular warm feelings in the pit of your stomach.
Instead of jail, criminals would be punished with NO HUGS.
Polygamists would be “rich”, isolated weirdos “poor”.
We’d eat animals because we LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Jack, the socially phobic thrill seeker

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

People who are socially phobic really have it made. To get their heart racing and adrenaline pumping, they don’t have to ride roller coasters, go bungie jumping, race cars, or chase tigers. They just have to walk into a room full of people.

Jack: “Oh fuck, a party! This is so fucking insane!”

Jack’s friend: “Jack, you’re sweating.”

Jack: “Shit, this is so extreme! I feel like I could have a heart attack at any moment! Holy fuck!”

News from year 2029

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Game developers invent new way to pretend to kill people.
Atkin’s diet officially labeled an eating disorder.
Innerspace 2 coming this summer.

Chicken Sandwich

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

If you don’t eat chickens, the chickens will eat you. Show your manliness and order a chicken sandwich. That’ll show ‘em who’s boss. Yeah.

Yoga

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Yoga class is where you pay someone $20 to tell you to sit quietly and breathe. Because you can’t sit quietly and breathe on your own - you need someone to tell you how to do it.

Dangers of being a nerd

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

#25: Sitting all day at a computer can give you a cyst on your ass. I bet Indiana Jones never had to deal with that. Nerds are so living on the edge.

Smoking, part V

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Let me guess. One day I'll accidently fall asleep with a lit cigarette in my hand, catch my chair on fire, give myself third degree burns or worse, burn down my house, and burn down the entire neighborhood block in the process. Is that what you were going to say?
Jon: No, I wasn't going to say that! Gosh! Well, actually, yes.

Smoking, part IV

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Yes I should. I think you should too. Why don't you?
Jon: I'm afraid you're suffering from R.A.P.
Sam: I most certainly am not suffering from... what is it that you said?
Jon: R.A.P. - Reduced Athletic Performance. We just walked up a 1% incline and you ran out of breath halfway through.
Sam: Oh, you mean Devil's Sidewalk next to the preschool? That mountain is a bitch, man.
Jon: Dude, it's just a normal city block. Plus you took a cigarette break at the end.
Sam: You would have taken a cigarette break too, if you smoked. Why don't you?

Smoking, part III

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Because you hate the smell, right?
Jon: It costs $100 a month and you're fucking broke.
Sam: Oh.
Jon: Seriously. There's a recession. You can't survive on ramen and cigarettes.
Sam: But I own stock in Philip Morris! Every time I buy a pack, I'm contributing to the profit margin. Which means more dividends for me.
Jon: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.

Smoking, part II

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: It will make my lungs turn black, right?
Jon: It makes you smell bad.
Sam: Oh.
Jon: Seriously. Your clothes, your breath, everything. Stinky.
Sam: Well, now that we're on the subject, you smell like ass.
Jon: What?
Sam: Seriously, try to stay off the cauliflower for a couple days.

Smoking

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

Jon: You know, you shouldn't smoke.
Sam: Right.
Jon: It will turn your lungs black.
Sam: What color are my lungs now?
Jon: I... errr... Well, I don't know.
Sam: I'll tell you what color healthy lungs are: they're also black. You know why? Because there's no fucking light inside our fucking bodies, therefore everything inside is black!

This just in

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:00:00 -0500

U.S. destroys opium crops in Afghanistan, terrorists respond by threatening to destroy U.S. cheese supply.